Jack slinks aff into the night and I’m left on ma ain an am soberin up pretty fuckin sharpish. The club’s playin some decent tunes but between the sticky floors and the black as fuck walls combined wi the overpriced drinks and dodgy strobe lights, it’s a pretty grim spectacle. We seem to attract people the kind eh people who like to wear black a lot. The guys are partial to tartan trousers and coloured hair dos, but the lassies are aw the same: black hair n black clothes. It’s like a fuckin ninja disco in here. Depressed by Ronnie slinging his moves in front eh a couple of fat burds with blonde hair in skirts that are far too short and holey tights, I make my escape to the bar for an overpriced jack n coke or two. Couple of drinks later and I’m on the prowl.
The bar’s startin to fill up which is good news cause there’s mair than a few nice wee burds floatin aboot. A stand aboot at the bar for a while tryin tae look, how dae ye say it, non-che-launt. A couldnae stop thinkin aboot that chancer Jack n whit he wiz dain wi oor money right noo. It was pure guttin, but a wiznae for chasin after that sorry cunt. He’s mare n capable of findin his own way back tae the van. Four JD’s later an the world’s become blurry around the edges. Ah’m feelin like a bit of a rock star noo and, cause ah know these Aberdeen fuckers willnae be able to understand whit ah’m sayin, ah decide to change ma approach n try tae chat up this nice wee thing that’s been eyein me up aw night. Ah order ma fifth jack n slide across the bar tae introduce ma self;
“Noticed ye lookin over at me there, thought I’d come say hi.”
She takes a step back tae eye me up, so I stop slouchin n suck ma slight beer gut in. She probably cannae see it in the dark but ah play it safe all the same.
“Haha, it’s cool. I’m just a regular kinda guy. Ye probably recognise me as the bassist in the band that played here the night.”
Knew it. The band thing works every time.
“Do you sing as well?”
Her eyes light up an she moves in closer. For a second ah think it’d be wrong to lie but then ah realise this is all about one thing and one thing only, an that a lie will get me further. When it comes tae the endgame, morality is pretty far from yer mind. As far as I’m concerned the only morality in sex is the age of the pray and the species ey the game yer huntin.
“Aye, aye. Singer tae. Multitalented, me.”
“Whits the band called then?”
Ah tell her the band name an move a little closer, puttin ma arm around her waist. Lassies like it when ye dae that.
“Eh…whit ye dain?”
“Just getting a bit better acquainted wi ye. Hi, ma name’s Derek but ma mates call me Deek. And you are?”
“Sandra. Could ye no dae that, please?”
“Ah, dae ye no want me hen?”
Aye she does. She pure does.
“You oan something? Get yer hands aff me.”
“How, ye got a boyfriend?”
“Naw it’s just a bit…much, that’s aw.”
“Let me buy ye a drink.”
“Naw. Let go of me.”
“Ah said LIT GO EY ME.”
Ah remove ma arm from roond her waist and ease aff a bit. Some lassies aren’t into public displays of affection and that’s cool by me. It’s all good. We’ve got all night.
“So, dae ye want a drink or no?”
“Aye, a pint ey Strongbow’ll be lovely.”
That was some change eh tunes there, but ah oblige aw the same. Barman takes a while tae get tae us so I filled the space wae some innane bollocks to show her whit an interesting character ah wiz. She looks well impressed, her eyes sparklin as ah tell her aw aboot the band n that. Then the Strongbow arrives alongside ma double jack n coke. It’s time to pull oot the big guns.
“Cheers.” Ah say an we clink oor glasses together.