Day Three Hundred and Thirty Five: How to Write a Monologue

Some Irvine Welsh for ya’ll today. This is how to writer in synthetic Scots properly. There’s really no excuse for having not read Irvine Welsh before. He’s utterly electrifying and this is a brilliant monologue. All rights etc lie with the man himself, I lay no claim to this work.

Two things to consider before reading this: 1) there’s a lot of swearing. But that’s part of that natural rhythm of speech in Scotland. 2) “cunt” is essentially a kind of punctuation in modern Scots. It often means “him” or “that guy” or variations thereof. You’ll understand when you read it.

Disnae Matter
by Irvine Welsh

Ah wis it thoan Disneyland in Florida, ken?. ‘Took hur ‘n’ the bairn. Wi me gittin peyed oaf fi Ferranti’s, ah thoat it’s either dae somethin wi the dough or pish it doon the bog at the Willie Muir. Ah saw whit happened tae a loat ay other cunts; livin like kings fir a while: taxis evraywhair, chinkies evray night, cairryoots, ye ken the score. ‘N’ whit dae they huv tae show fir it? Scottish Fuckin Fitba Association, that’s what, ya cunt.

Now ah wisnae that keen oan Disneyland, bit ah thoat: fir the bairn’s sake, ken? Wish ah hudnae bothered! It wis shite. Big fuckin queues tae git oan aw the rides. That’s awright if ye like that sortay thing, but it’s no ma fuckin scene. The beer ower thair’s pish n aw. They go oan aboot aw thir beer, thir Budweiser n aw that; its like drinkin fuckin cauld water. One thing ah did like aboot the States though is the scran. Loadsay it, beyond yir wildest dreams, n the service n aw. Ah mind in one place ah sais tae hur: Fill yir fuckin boots while ye kin, hen, cause whin wi git back hame we’ll be livin oafay McCain’s oven chips till fuck knows when.

Anywey, it this fuckin Disneyland shite, this daft cunt in a bear suit jumps oot in front ay us, ken? Wavin ehs airrms aboot n that. The bairn starts fuckin screamin, gied hur a real fright, ken? So ah fuckin panels the cunt, punches the fuckin wide-o in the mooth, or whair ah thought ehs mooth wis, under that suit, ken? Too fuckin right! Disneyland or nae fuckin Disneyland, disnae gie the cunt the excuse tae jump oot in front ay the bairn, ken.

Thing is, these polis cunts, fuckin guns n aw ya cunt, nae fuckin joke, ah’m tellin ye, they sais tae ays: “Whit’s the fucking score here, mate,” bit likesay American, ken? So ah goes, noddin ower tae this bear cunt: Cunt jumped oot in front ay the bairn. Well ootay fuckin order! The polis cunt jist says somethin aboot the boy mibbe bein a bit too keen, its ehs joab, ken?? The other yin sais somethin like: Mibbe the wee lassie’s frightened ay bears, ken?

So then this radge in a yellay jaykit comes along. Ah tipples right away thit eh’s that bear cunt’s gaffer, likesay. Eh apologises tae ays, then turns tae the bear cunt n sais: Wir gaunny huv tae lit ye go mate. They wir jist gaunny, likes, gie the boy ehs fucking cairds like that. This is nae good tae us, eh tells the boy. This perr cunt in the bear suit, eh’s goat the head oaf now, likes; the cunt’s nearly greetin, gaun oan aboot needin the joab tae pey ehs wey through college. So ah gits a hud ay this radge in the yellay jaykit n sais: Hi mate, yir ootay order here. Thir’s nae need tae gie the boy ehs cairds. It’s aw sorted oot.

Mean tae say, ah banged the cunt awright, bit ah didnae want the boy tae lose ehs joab, ken. Ah ken whit it’s f*ckin like. It’s aw a great laugh whin they chuck that redundancy poppy it ye, bit that disnae last firivir, ken. Aw they doss cunts thit blow the dough oan nowt. Thuv goat mates they nivir kent they hud – till the fuckin hireys run oot. Anywey, this supervisor radge goes: S’up tae you mate. You’re happy?, cunt keeps ehs joab.Then eh turns tae the boy n sais: Yir fuckin lucky, ah’m tellin ye. If it wisnae fir the boy here, ken, ye’d be pickin up yir cairds, but this is aw American, likesay, ye ken how aw they doss cunts talk, oan the telly n that.

The cunt ah gubbed, this bear cunt goes: Really sorry, mate, ma fault, ken. So ah jist sais: Sound by me. The polis n the supervisor boy fucked off n the bear cunt turns n sais: Thanks a lot, buddy. Have a nice day. Ah thoat fir a minute, ah’ll fucking gie ye nice day, ya cunt, jumpin oot in front ay the fuckin bairn. Bit ah jist left it, ken, nae hassle tae nae cunt. Boy’s entitled tae keep ehs joab; that wis ma good deed fir the day. Ah jist goes: Aye, you n aw, mate.


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